Secret Diary Of A Nearly Three Year Old

Once again Mumblog has been able to get exclusive access to a toddler’s secret diary. This one day account gives a fascinating insight into the motivations of a nearly three year old.

Really Early Morning

Woke up at 5.30am in the usual way, with half my head and one arm hanging out of the bed, my bottom pointed up to the sky, and my blanket on the floor. Wandered into the big bed and was very angry to see that my big brother had beaten me to it and already blagged the spot in the middle that is slightly closer to Mummy. I wailed that I wanted to lie next to Mummy.

Mummy suggested to my brother that he have a cuddle with Daddy as he had already had cuddles with her but he refused. She said maybe I would like to have a cuddle with Daddy but I refused. I don’t really have a preference and I’m pretty sure my brother doesn’t either but I can’t let him think that he can have his own way. Mummy said she was too tired to start the day with this “nonsense” and left the room. I think she went for a lie down in my brother’s bed, which is very brave because we all know how stinky his bottom is.

My brother and I decided to play the cannonball game. It’s a really awesome game that he made up (though I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever tell him that he has done anything awesome). Basically, you stand on the bed and shout “cannonball” before jumping on whoever is lying in it. Daddy wasn’t impressed.

Early Morning

Child asleep in bed

Mummy came back and announced that she was going for a run. She goes running a lot but I’m not sure who she is running from. She says it’s so she can be healthy but then she eats loads of cake after so I am really confused because I thought cake wasn’t healthy. She said Daddy had to get us both dressed so we could take my brother to school. Daddy got me dressed and, in that time, my brother managed to put on one sock. Daddy told him that if he didn’t hurry up he would have to go to school naked.

My brother thought that was really funny though and started running around the house shouting that he is going to school naked. I shouted that I wanted to be naked as well and took off my trousers and pants. I got really excited and accidently did a wee on the floor. Daddy cleaned me up and I asked if I could wear my cat costume. Daddy said no, so I cried. Daddy said I could wear it and argue with Mummy about it when I got back. I love my cat costume.

Morning

Child in cat costume

Mummy got back and asked Daddy why I was wearing my cat costume. Daddy said that it was complicated. Mummy made me take it off again. It’s not fair! We took my brother to school and then Mummy said we had to go to Morrisons before going home. I love Morrisons. There’s something about the place that makes me all excitable and I love running up and down the aisles. We went in and I immediately used my amazing wriggling skills to escape from Mummy’s hand and legged it down the fruit and veg aisle. Mummy wasn’t impressed, but I can’t help it.

The aisles are the perfect place to run up and down, everyone my age knows that. Mummy began to shout at me but then she saw one of the other school Mums and she started using her nice voice again, which was brilliant, because when she’s using her nice voice in front of other parents I know I can get away with anything. I don’t think she likes other people to see her shouting, maybe she thinks she could scare them?

Lunch Time

Child with hot chocolate

Mummy asked me what I wanted for lunch so I obviously said cereal. Mummy said I can’t have cereal for lunch so I asked why. She said it’s a breakfast food not a lunch food so I asked why. She said it’s because people always eat cereals in the morning and sandwiches at lunchtime so I asked why. She then muttered something I didn’t understand about “social convention” and I didn’t really know what to say so I just said why again. She sighed and said I was having a sandwich. I don’t understand why she asked me what I wanted in first place if she already knew I was having a sandwich.

I asked Mummy if I could help make the sandwich and she said yes. She gave me some bread and my brother’s Digger knife to spread the butter. I wanted my Peppa Pig knife but she said it was in the dishwasher. She said it didn’t matter what knife I used so I asked if I could have a grown-up knife but she said no. She’s so confusing sometimes. She did let me have a hot chocolate after lunch though. She said it was because I was a good girl but I think it was actually because she wanted one as well, which is confusing because hot chocolate isn’t healthy.

Afternoon

Child painting

After lunch, Mummy let me do some painting. I love painting. The best bit is when I paint my hands and use them to make handprints on some paper. Today, I thought it would be even better if I painted my feet as well so whilst Mummy was loading up the dishwasher I pulled my sock off and put paint all over my foot. There wasn’t any paper on the floor so I just made my foot print on the floor instead. Mummy turned around and screamed. I screamed too because I thought there was a spider as that’s what usually happens when Mummy screams but it turned out that she was screaming because I had paint all over the floor.

Mummy cleaned up the paint and then said we could go to the park if I used the potty first. I sat on the potty and tried for ages to do a wee but I didn’t do one. Mummy said that was ok but I needed to tell her if I needed a wee. We got the park and Mummy sat on the bench whilst I went on the little slide. I then remembered that I actually did need a wee but I wanted to go down the slide first. I nearly made it down to the bottom of the slide before the wee came out. Mummy had to clean it with wet-wipes and I had to walk home with wet trousers because she had forgotten a spare change of clothes for me. Daddy says that people like Nana and Grandad forget things because they get old and their brains don’t work as well. I think Mummy must be getting old, as well.

Dinner Time

child eating dinner

We picked up my brother from school and I had to watch cartoons whilst Mummy helped my brother with his school work. I normally love cartoons but I don’t like it when Mummy is spending all her time with my brother and not with me so I decided I would put my head on the floor and shout “look at me!” over and over again. For some reason Mummy wasn’t that impressed with my “head on the floor” trick. I tried jumping on the sofa but that just resulted in Mummy telling me that I would end up on the naughty step, and I hate the naughty step, so I had to just watch cartoons instead.

Daddy came home and then Mummy went into the kitchen to cook dinner. Daddy calls it “Mummy’s quiet time” and if we go into the kitchen then we are made to go straight back out. I only went in five times and my brother went in six.

Dinner was not my favourite time today. Firstly, we had cheesy pasta with peas. I hate pasta. My brother loves pasta. I love potatoes. My brother hates potatoes. Daddy hates rice. Mummy says this is a BIG PROBLEM and that she is not cooking three separate meals every day so we all just have to eat what we are given. Secondly, dinner time was when THE REALLY BAD THING happened. I picked out all the peas to eat and then I decided to see what would happen if I put one up my nose. I am never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to do that again.

Bed Time

Child in bed

It was a bath night tonight, which was amazing. I love bath night. My brother and I thought it would be really funny to throw water at each other with our bath toys. Mummy didn’t find it funny though because she said we’re the reason why the kitchen ceiling has a damp patch on it. I didn’t really understand what she meant and tried asking “why” about thirty times but she didn’t really make it any easier for me to understand.

Mummy read me stories and tucked me in bed and turned out the light. Then I remembered that I needed a wee, so she took me to the toilet. Then I remembered that I was thirsty so she gave me some water. Then I remembered that I was hungry but she told me that I had eaten enough food today, especially peas. Then I remembered that I didn’t say goodnight to Daddy so she let me shout out to Daddy. Then I remembered that I had left my pink doll downstairs so she went and got it for me. Then I remembered that I actually wanted to sleep with my purple doll tonight so she went and got that one for me. Then I remembered that I hadn’t said goodnight to her but she told me that I had said goodnight and that I really needed to GO TO SLEEP. Then I remembered that I had to tell her something but I couldn’t remember what it was. Then I remembered that I…. Zzzzzz

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