The 30 Steps To Removing A Splinter From Your Child’s Hand

It’s amazing how something so small can result in a major incident. Splinters are common in young children, but unfortunately, removing them is far from straight forward.

How To Remove A Splinter

Mother Comforting Her Son After He Injur

Step One

Become aware of the splinter. Prepare a measure of a spirit of your choice. For you, not for cleaning purposes. You are going to need it.

Step Two

Google “is it necessary to remove a splinter”. Weigh up the risk of infection versus the inevitable drama that comes with removal.

Step Three

Approach child with caution. Calmly explain that the splinter needs to be removed.

Step Four

Reassure child that no one has ever died from having a splinter and that removal will be fairly simple.

Step Five

Coax child back out of their bedroom with your chosen item of bribery.

Step Six

Examine hand carefully, taking care not to touch the area in case it results in further screams.

Step Seven

Google “easy methods to remove a splinter”.

Step Eight

Hunt around the house for an infant paracetamol syringe. Question why ordinarily there seems to be hundreds of them in the kitchen drawer when all you need is a tin opener but now there are none to be seen. Eventually locate one in the bathroom.

Step Nine

Ignore the quizzical looks of your partner and smugly claim that you can sort this out without causing any pain at all.

Step Ten

Attempt to suck the splinter out using the syringe following the method you saw on YouTube, whilst trying to reassure child that they will not die from this procedure.

Step Eleven

Claim that the syringe method is f**king useless when it becomes apparent that this particular splinter is buried too deep.

Step Twelve

Take a big drink of your chosen spirit.

Step Thirteen

Calmly explain to your child that the splinter will need to be removed with a sharp needle.

Step Fourteen

Point out to child that there is no need for their current screaming given that the needle is still in the sewing box in the other room.

Step Fifteen

Retrieve needle. Look for something to sterilise it in. Resort to dipping it into your drink.

Step Sixteen

Hunt around the house for your child who has gone missing whilst you searched for a needle.

Step Seventeen

Coax child out of the wardrobe with a packet of Haribo. Promise more Haribo if they allow you to remove the splinter.

Step Eighteen

Sit your child down in front of their favourite cartoon in an attempt to distract them.

Step Nineteen

Attempt to unclench your child’s fist to get to the splinter. Marvel at how strong they are and how weak you are in comparison.

Step Twenty

Offer more Haribo to persuade your child to unclench their fist.

Step Twenty-One

Offer chocolate, crisps, and bonus cartoon time on top of the Haribo.

Step Twenty-Two

Decide to get strict. Inform child that if they don’t unclench their fist you will not be taking them to the class birthday party / soft play centre / park / after school club (delete as appropriate).

Step Twenty-Three

Gently poke the splinter area with the needle to start.

Step Twenty-Four

Reassure child that once again there was no need to scream and that no one has ever died from having a splinter.

Step Twenty-Five

Repeat steps nineteen to twenty-four at least five times, taking large gulps of your chosen drink at various intervals.

Step-Twenty-Six

Calmly explain to your child that if you are unable to remove the splinter you will need to take them to the doctor to have it removed.

Step Twenty-Seven

Begin gently prodding with the needle. Ask for your partner to shine a torch for more light. Feel like a surgeon attempting the operation of their lifetime.

Step Twenty-Eight

Swear loudly as the splinter makes a brief appearance at the surface before retreating under the skin.

Step Twenty-Nine

Apologise to your child and explain that they should never, ever, use the same type of words, especially in front of their teacher, Miss Judgey-Pants.

Step Thirty

Finally, two hours after the discovery of the splinter, declare the removal operation a success. Apply a plaster at your child’s insistence, even though you have had paper cuts that are bigger. Reward child with Haribo, chocolate, crisps, cartoons, and any other bribe that was promised. Reward yourself with more of your chosen drink. Explain to your child that they will be wearing gloves all year round from herein.

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