Living with a three year old can be both hilarious and frustrating. My son, Thomas, has not stopped talking ever since he learned how to string more than two words together, and as a somewhat introverted person who values peace and quiet, this can often drive me slightly batty, especially after the tenth “why” in a conversation. On the other hand, his endless need for conversation has led to some very funny, and sometimes embarrassing moments that I’m sure many other parents can relate to. Here are some of my favourites.
1) Man Versus Machine
Thomas: “Mummy, Thomas The Tank Engine is like me, Thomas The Boy.”
Me: “Well, yes, you have the same name.”
Thomas: “Except Thomas The Tank Engine doesn’t wear socks.”
2) Unfortunate Pronunciations
Thomas (Shouting, in a park full of people): “Mummy, look at my really, really, big dick!”
Me: “Stick. It’s a stick. Can you say sssss?”
3) Gender Differences
Thomas (Very loudly, in a public toilet cubicle.): “Oh Mummy, where is your willy? Where is your wee-wee coming from?”
4) No Love
Me (After much pestering): “Fine, you can take your sticker book with you in the car, but I cannot help you with the stickers because I will be driving.”
Thomas: “Mummy, I love you, but I don’t love you anymore.”
5) Baby Daddy
Thomas: “Daddy, daddy?”
Pregnant Me: “Daddy is at work.”
Thomas: “No, I wanted to talk to the daddy of the baby in your tummy.”
NB: I’m happily married, there is no infidelity, and I’m fairly certain that baby number two isn’t the result of immaculate conception.
6) LEGO
Thomas: “Mummy, can you build me something special with my LEGO bricks?”
Me: “I’ve already built you several things this morning and you keep telling me that they are wrong. Why don’t you build something instead?”
Thomas: “No, you do it Mummy. Don’t worry, I won’t let you get it wrong.”
7) Nipples
Thomas (In the bath): “Arrrrgh, arrrgh what’s this on me? What is it? Can you get it off? … Oh, it’s just my nipple.”
8) Chocolate Medicine
Thomas (To another Mum in the park, with no context): “My Daddy has gone to the hospital to get some chocolate!”
(Daddy was sat happily at home.)
9) Swimming Pool Fun
Thomas (Loudly, in the public changing rooms at the swimming pool): “Daddy, is that your willy? Can I touch it?”
10) Thirsty Plants
Thomas (Whilst doing a wee on the roadside in the middle of nowhere): “I’m giving the plants a lovely drink.”
11) Cousin Introduction
Me (With my new-born nephew): “Here you go, Thomas. Look, this is your new cousin, Benjamin.”
Thomas: “Nooooo, I don’t want it. Take it away. Take it away!”
12) Love
Thomas: “I love you Mummy and you Daddy.”
Me: “Aww, I love you too.”
(Husband remains silent, engrossed in something else.)
Thomas: “I said, I love you Mummy AND YOU DADDY!”
13) Missing Sound
Thomas (in a panic): “Mummy, mummy, my sound has gone!”
Me: “Um, what?”
Thomas: “My sound has gone!”
Me: “Erm, OK. Can you hear me?”
Thomas: “No, my sound has gone, I can’t hear you!”
(It took me ten minutes to realise he meant that his ears had popped after yawning.)
