When you have children you wave goodbye to nights out in chic clubs sipping cocktails and hello to cold cups of tea and a faint whiff of sour milk that follows you around no matter how many times you shower. So when that rare opportunity arises to escape to the pub without the need to check if it has a children’s menu first, you embrace it wholeheartedly. As a result, the lesser spotted “Mum On A Night Out” is a breed relatively easy to identify.
1. The Group
You are in a group of three or more, but not more than six because it’s impossible to get that many of you together at the same time thanks to a lack of childcare.
At least two of you will be in a wraparound dress with leggings because nothing else fits anymore. One of you will be tripping over constantly because she hasn’t worn heels since she was about 3 months pregnant and her child is now four.
At least one of you will have some biscuit mashed into hair that she hasn’t noticed. Or she has noticed, but she just doesn’t care anymore.
You will all talk really loudly because this is the first time in ages that you have been able to enjoy uninterrupted adult conversation. The exception will be the one who has the pre-schooler who talks incessantly. She will be embracing the opportunity to not have to answer 3000 questions about diggers and will sit quietly getting drunk.
You will be taking a lot of selfies, as well as pictures of your cocktails. These are to post on social media to show the world that you do have a life outside of your children.
6. Checking In
This will be in between you all calling your other halves / babysitter to make sure your children have had their nappy changed, drunk their milk, gone to sleep, and had their breathing checked 50 times in case something happens whilst Mummy is away…
You will be drunk after two rounds by 8.30pm.
By 9pm one of you will be vomiting in the toilet. Another will be trying to discreetly change her tena lady pad because she has been laughing too much and didn’t do her pelvic floor exercises.
The sensible half of your group will leave at 10pm because they know they have to be up at 5am. The rest of you will leave at 11.30pm to make sure they don’t get charged the post-midnight rate by the babysitter. Plus, they just don’t have the stamina these days and have no idea how they used to be able to pull all-nighters.