A Letter to My Four-Year-Old Son

Dear Son,

Thank you for the numerous complaints you have flagged for my attention today. It is clear that today has been less than satisfactory and I hope to address each of your complaints in turn.

Complaint One: Your Minor Head Injury

sad boy hugging his mum

I am very sorry to hear that you hurt your head this morning. As I was witness to this event, I can attest to the circumstances that surrounded your “big ouch”. At approximately 5.15am this morning you came running into the bedroom I share with your Daddy. You then climbed onto our bed and announced, “Mummy! You’re a mountain! I’m going to jump off you!” Despite pleas from both myself and Daddy, you climbed onto me and then jumped off, landing head first onto my own head. Obviously, this did cause a slight bump to your head, for which I am truly sorry. However, I would like to address your claim that, in your words, “mummy hurt me”, as I believe that this incident was a direct result of you not adhering to the clear guidelines given to you by both myself and your Daddy. Furthermore, if it is any consolation to you, I endured considerably more pain, given that your head hit my mouth, filling my mouth with blood, and giving me a fat lip in the process. It has been several hours and it still hurts to talk and eat. Despite this, I recognise that you are in a very small teeny tiny amount of pain and will seek to ensure that future events of this nature do not occur.

Complaint Two: Your Broken Robot Mask

Angry child

With regards to your broken robot mask, I am very sorry that you are no longer able to wear it, as it is now ripped in half. Again, as I was present during the time this incident occurred, I am able to provide you with a detailed account. As you are aware (because I told you multiple times), the mask was very flimsy as you had constructed it from cardboard, glue stick, and craft foam pieces plus a ridiculous amount of glitter glue because apparently you have no restraint when it comes to using that product. Therefore, it was not advisable to throw it around the house and use it as, in your words, a “zapping machine”. When it did break, you were repeatedly whacking it against a wall and growling. However, I do accept that I should have given you more than three warnings about its fragility before it broke and the responsibility lies entirely with me.

Complaint Three: The Birthday Party

bored boy with birthday cake

I note your complaint that you had to attend a birthday party this afternoon that was, in your words, “really long”. I would like to counter this by pointing out that the hour and a half you were there did not seem that long to me as I sat at home enjoying a quiet coffee whilst your sister napped. Indeed, I may go as far to say that if anything, it wasn’t long enough. However, I do take on board your comments that you didn’t like “all the dancing” and the “parcel game”, even though you seemed very happy when I picked you up, especially as you had received some sweets that I would not normally give you to eat. Could I also remind you that you even refused to leave at the time, stating your desire to remain at the party? Despite this, I do now recognise how terrible the experience must have been for you.

Complaint Four: Your Dinner

boy refusing to eat dinner

I am very sorry that your dinner is warm. I had left it to cool down but I appreciate that it hadn’t reached your preferred temperature that is basically stone cold coagulated stodge when it was served. I note your request that I “not cook dinner next time” and for you to “have it before it’s cooked” but might I suggest that raw pasta is not the most appetising dish. Besides which, Grandad is a social worker and he probably wouldn’t approve of you only being served raw food. Might I also add that throwing your dinner on the floor is unlikely to result in you achieving the perfect temperature for your food. I have also noted your request to have ice cream instead, and have discussed it with your Daddy, and we are both in agreement that this would not be appropriate at this time.

As you are aware, your happiness is extremely important to me and I will take all these points on board to ensure that you receive a better parenting service in future. If you have any further concerns that you would like to raise with me, please could you bring them to the attention of Daddy, as I will be spending the rest of the evening nursing my mouth whilst guzzling sipping wine a nutritious fruit smoothie.

Yours insincerely,

Mummy.