Do you have children? Can you name more members of Captain Picard’s crew than current England football players? Do you struggle to find space in your house for new purchases because all of your cupboards are filled with spare computer components? If that is the case, then it’s probably safe to assume that you are a geek parent. Raising our future geeks, guiding them in the ways of the force, is something that we geeks take very seriously, as “with great power, comes great responsibility”.
After all, when we have moved on from this earth and ascended onto a higher plain of existence, who else will continue to tweet media executives begging for the return of Firefly, or stand steadfast in knowledge that Han shot first? Unfortunately, there are times when we are installing Generation Geek 2.0 and we encounter a critical error, generating a problem that only our fellow geek parents can truly understand.
1. Justice League Assemble
Your child is presented with a Justice League t-shirt and asks “Where is Spiderman?” You have to once more remind him about the differences between the Justice League and the Avengers and explain that whilst the Avengers are clearly much cooler than the Justice League, he should still say thank you to his well-meaning (but clueless) Aunt for the gift.
2. Educating Einstein
You are pleased that your child seems so curious and inquisitive about the world and do everything you can to encourage his desire to learn. However, your innate geek finds it incredibly difficult to answer your toddler’s “Why” questions without referring to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle or Newton’s Laws of Motion.
3. Nature V Nurture
You do everything you can to avoid gender stereotyping with your daughter. You teach her the ways of the force, the names of all the x-men, and the principles of wormholes as outlined in Stargate SG1, but on school dress up day she insists on going as Elsa from Frozen, along with all of the other girls in her class.
4. Construction Conflict
You spend hours building a moon base, space station, and rocket with your child’s Lego. The complex structures are a testament to your inner geek and you are very proud of your achievement. Your child then insists on adding a pirate ship and bulldozer to the scene and your partner has to gently remind you that the Lego does not belong to you and that you should be encouraging your child’s imagination.
5. Robots In Disguise
You find yourself despairing that modern transformer toys are just not as good as their 80’s counterparts. You enter bidding wars on eBay for the vintage toys and spend a small fortune on a spectacular collection, only for your son to prefer his modern Playskool Optimus Prime from Amazon.
6. Superhero Knowledge
At a parent and child group one of the children asks you about the superheroes on his Avengers backpack. You proudly and loudly name all of the characters, then realise that you are getting some strange looks from other parents. You might not make any parent friends, but at least the kids think you are cool.
7. Doctor Disappointment
Having to console your son twice for vaccinations. The first time immediately following the initial sting of the vaccination. The second time after he realises that despite everything that comic books and movies has taught him, the medical procedure he just underwent has not resulted in him suddenly developing super speed, super strength, or the ability to breathe under water.
8. The Force Is Strong With This One
Your elderly mother-in-law wants to know why you keep referring to your baby daughter as Padawan. After a long conversation about Jedi Knights and The Force in which she repeatedly questions if you have joined a cult you have to admit that “yes, it is all a bit silly” in order to maintain peace.
9. A Hobbit’s Tale
When you are helping your child with their homework and realise that you have taught them more about Middle Earth history than British history. Furthermore, your child’s knowledge of the geography of the British Isles is somewhat confused with that of Westeros.
10. Parental Controls
You smugly explain to your non-geek parenting friends that there is no way that your child can access anything untoward on the Internet because of your superior Internet security knowledge. Then you discover that your child has clocked over 100 play time hours on Minecraft in a month during times that they should have been doing homework. You are not sure whether to be annoyed that they circumvented the parental controls or excited about their future prospects as an elite hacker.
11. You Can’t Take The Sky From Me
You don’t know the words to Rockabye Baby or Hush Little Baby, so your daughter goes to sleep each night to your rendition of The Ballad of Serenity.
12. How Rude!
Your four-year-old declares that he likes Jar Jar Binks the best. You have no idea who showed your child the abomination that is Episode 1 but you resolve to hunt them down and take your revenge. In the meantime, your son is made to watch Episode 4 over and over until he declares his love for Chewbacca.
13. Tractors Rule
You take your young son to the London Science Museum, excited to have the opportunity to teach him about rockets, computers, and telecommunications. He shows a complete lack of interest in anything until you reach the agricultural display where he squeals in delight over a moving model of a tractor.
14. Spoiler Alert
You have to avoid the Internet for several days after Daredevil and Jessica Jones is released on Netflix because, unlike your non-parent geek friends, you cannot spend an entire Saturday in bed binge-watching the whole series. Instead you have to watch an episode in the evening after a two-hour battle with the children over bedtime, pausing the episode every five-minutes to return a child to their bed. You try your best to avoid spoilers, but you take so long to watch a series, it’s virtually impossible.
15. Gief Epix Nau Plx
To get some geek bonding time, you encourage your daughter to play a healer class so that you can have someone follow you around Azeroth healing you. She excels at healing and quickly becomes in demand for raids in your guild. Before you know it, she is in a full set of Tier 19 armour and has no time to quest with you in your sad mixture of green and blue pieces.