He ambles along the street shouting nonsense at the top of his voice, stops to do a wee, and then carries on strolling whilst singing incoherently. If this sounds familiar to you then you either know someone who likes to get very drunk on a Saturday night, or you are a parent to a toddler. Sometimes I find it hard to tell the difference between my two-year-old son and that one friend or family member (everyone seems to have one) who cannot hold his or her drink. In fact, there are so many ways that my toddler is like a drunk person, I’m starting to wonder if someone is sneaking vodka into his blackcurrant squash.
1) He Is Incapable Of Walking In A Straight Line
Please sweetie, try not to walk into another pensioner using walking sticks. We haven’t got time to wait for the ambulance today.
2) He Has No Bladder Control
You need a wee? Just wait 30 seconds whilst I get the potty. Oh, too late. Yes, there is wee on the floor. No, you can’t splash in it like a puddle.
3) He Is Very Emotional
Well, I understand that it is really terrible that your Duplo tower fell over, but do you really need to spend five-minutes crying and wailing about it whilst adopting the foetal position on the floor?
4) He Thinks Snacking At 2am Is Perfectly Reasonable
No, you can’t have some crisps. Or ice cream. No, not even a banana, although well done for making a healthy choice. Now go back to your flipping bed!
5) He Can Sleep Anywhere
You have your own comfortable bed with your favourite blanket, so why, oh, why do you have to sneak into our room at 1am to then fall asleep on my head?
6) He Doesn’t Care If Anyone Sees Him Naked
Wow, you managed to undress yourself without any help. That’s really clever! But this is the bread aisle in Sainsburys and no one wants to see your bottom.
7) He Can Easily Injure Himself On Every Day Objects
I’m sorry your head hurts. But it was really only ever going to end badly when you decided to head-butt the floor.
8) He Randomly Bursts Into Song At Inappropriate Moments
Really, I’m not sure everyone in the doctor’s waiting room wants to hear your rendition of “Wind The Bobbin Up.”
9) He Is Fickle In His Loyalties
So, Ben is your best best most favourite friend today? And, just think, only one-hour ago it was James.
10) He Is Impossible To Wake Up Once He Is Napping
Which is great, because I’m going to use this time to cut your nails and hair and change your nappy without you wriggling, vacuum the living room without you trying to “help” (A.K.A: Get in the way), and use the drill to put up some shelves without you freaking out about the noise. If only you could maintain this level of deep sleep at 5am.