Before your baby learned to roll, nappy changing was easy. You lay your baby down, cleaned him up, replaced his nappy, and continued with whatever you were doing before. Then your baby learned to roll and it became a bit trickier, you moved your changing mat onto the floor to prevent any accidents and learned how to wipe with one hand, holding his legs in your other hand. Then crawling happened, quickly followed by walking, and nappy changing suddenly became a whole different ball game.
Step One:
Ascertain if your toddler needs a nappy change by doing a quick, yet subtle sniff test whilst he plays with his train set.
Step Two:
Gather all supplies. You will need nappies, wipes, a bag, a mat, and a lot of patience.
Step Three:
Take a moment to centre your thoughts ahead of the oncoming literal and metaphorical shitstorm.
Step Four:
Tell your toddler that he needs a nappy change and give him a two-minute warning in a vain attempt at negating the inevitable tantrum that will arise when you remove him from his trainset.
Step Five:
Wait two minutes.
Step Six:
Announce that it is nappy change time. Curse yourself for not shutting the living room door when your toddler makes an escape into the kitchen.
Step Seven:
Retrieve your toddler. Explain that he needs a nappy change and you will reward him with a sticker if he is good.
Step Eight:
Lie your toddler on the mat. Give him a toy to try and stop him moving about.
Step Nine:
Remove your toddler’s trousers. You should probably remove his socks at this point because you will regret it if you don’t.
Step Ten:
Return the toy that your toddler has thrown to him. He will throw it again. Offer your mobile phone as a distraction instead. It’s a risky step to take, but it’s the one most likely to generate the required result.
Step Eleven:
Undo the nappy. Spent a few seconds wondering how someone so small can produce something so large and foul.
Step Twelve:
Go to get the wet-wipes. They are not there. Your toddler has somehow thrown them across the room. Make a quick dash across the room to retrieve the wet wipes and hope that your toddler does not move in the meantime.
Step Thirteen:
Wipe your toddler with one hand. Use your second hand to hold your toddler on the mat. Use your best defence skills to prevent any stray little hands from reaching the contaminated area.
Step Fourteen:
Foolishly let go of your toddler to tie up the nappy sack. Your toddler will now escape, spurred on by his new found freedom from his nappy.
Step Fifteen:
Chase your toddler into another room. Sigh as your toddler climbs under the dining table.
Step Sixteen:
Cry inside when you realise that your toddler has done a wee under the table. Make a mental note to find the carpet cleaner when you have finished with your toddler.
Step Seventeen:
Try and tempt your toddler out with a bribe. At this point you will want to forget about being perceived as a “good parent” and resort to the offer of either chocolate or cartoons.
Step Eighteen:
Return your toddler to the changing mat for another wipe following the wee incident.
Step Nineteen:
Sigh as your toddler runs away again. This time break out your best “Mummy is getting mildly cross voice.”
Step Twenty:
Firmly remove your toddler from the sofa that he has now climbed onto, as you attempt to avoid any additional wee related incidents.
Step Twenty-One:
Cry a bit more inside when toddler does another wee on your leg whilst you are carrying him.
Step Twenty-Two:
Give your toddler a biscuit and using your best ninja moves place a nappy on him. Decide that putting his trousers back on is probably not worth the effort.
Step Twenty-Three:
Change your own trousers.
Step Twenty-Four:
Reward yourself with a cup of tea and a biscuit.
Step Twenty-Five
About two hours later, remember the puddle of wee underneath the dining table.
