It’s amazing how something so small can result in a major incident. Splinters are common in young children, but unfortunately, removing them is far from straight forward.
How To Remove A Splinter
Step One
Become aware of the splinter. Prepare a measure of a spirit of your choice. For you, not for cleaning purposes. You are going to need it.
Step Two
Google “is it necessary to remove a splinter”. Weigh up the risk of infection versus the inevitable drama that comes with removal.
Step Three
Approach child with caution. Calmly explain that the splinter needs to be removed.
Step Four
Reassure child that no one has ever died from having a splinter and that removal will be fairly simple.
Step Five
Coax child back out of their bedroom with your chosen item of bribery.
Step Six
Examine hand carefully, taking care not to touch the area in case it results in further screams.
Step Seven
Google “easy methods to remove a splinter”.
Step Eight
Hunt around the house for an infant paracetamol syringe. Question why ordinarily there seems to be hundreds of them in the kitchen drawer when all you need is a tin opener but now there are none to be seen. Eventually locate one in the bathroom.
Step Nine
Ignore the quizzical looks of your partner and smugly claim that you can sort this out without causing any pain at all.
Step Ten
Attempt to suck the splinter out using the syringe following the method you saw on YouTube, whilst trying to reassure child that they will not die from this procedure.
Step Eleven
Claim that the syringe method is f**king useless when it becomes apparent that this particular splinter is buried too deep.
Step Twelve
Take a big drink of your chosen spirit.
Step Thirteen
Calmly explain to your child that the splinter will need to be removed with a sharp needle.
Step Fourteen
Point out to child that there is no need for their current screaming given that the needle is still in the sewing box in the other room.
Step Fifteen
Retrieve needle. Look for something to sterilise it in. Resort to dipping it into your drink.
Step Sixteen
Hunt around the house for your child who has gone missing whilst you searched for a needle.
Step Seventeen
Coax child out of the wardrobe with a packet of Haribo. Promise more Haribo if they allow you to remove the splinter.
Step Eighteen
Sit your child down in front of their favourite cartoon in an attempt to distract them.
Step Nineteen
Attempt to unclench your child’s fist to get to the splinter. Marvel at how strong they are and how weak you are in comparison.
Step Twenty
Offer more Haribo to persuade your child to unclench their fist.
Step Twenty-One
Offer chocolate, crisps, and bonus cartoon time on top of the Haribo.
Step Twenty-Two
Decide to get strict. Inform child that if they don’t unclench their fist you will not be taking them to the class birthday party / soft play centre / park / after school club (delete as appropriate).
Step Twenty-Three
Gently poke the splinter area with the needle to start.
Step Twenty-Four
Reassure child that once again there was no need to scream and that no one has ever died from having a splinter.
Step Twenty-Five
Repeat steps nineteen to twenty-four at least five times, taking large gulps of your chosen drink at various intervals.
Step-Twenty-Six
Calmly explain to your child that if you are unable to remove the splinter you will need to take them to the doctor to have it removed.
Step Twenty-Seven
Begin gently prodding with the needle. Ask for your partner to shine a torch for more light. Feel like a surgeon attempting the operation of their lifetime.
Step Twenty-Eight
Swear loudly as the splinter makes a brief appearance at the surface before retreating under the skin.
Step Twenty-Nine
Apologise to your child and explain that they should never, ever, use the same type of words, especially in front of their teacher, Miss Judgey-Pants.
Step Thirty
Finally, two hours after the discovery of the splinter, declare the removal operation a success. Apply a plaster at your child’s insistence, even though you have had paper cuts that are bigger. Reward child with Haribo, chocolate, crisps, cartoons, and any other bribe that was promised. Reward yourself with more of your chosen drink. Explain to your child that they will be wearing gloves all year round from herein.
