It’s amazing how something so small can result in a major incident. Splinters are common in young children, but unfortunately, removing them is far from straight forward.
How To Remove A Splinter
Become aware of the splinter. Prepare a measure of a spirit of your choice. For you, not for cleaning purposes. You are going to need it.
Google “is it necessary to remove a splinter”. Weigh up the risk of infection versus the inevitable drama that comes with removal.
Approach child with caution. Calmly explain that the splinter needs to be removed.
Reassure child that no one has ever died from having a splinter and that removal will be fairly simple.
Coax child back out of their bedroom with your chosen item of bribery.
Examine hand carefully, taking care not to touch the area in case it results in further screams.
Google “easy methods to remove a splinter”.
Hunt around the house for an infant paracetamol syringe. Question why ordinarily there seems to be hundreds of them in the kitchen drawer when all you need is a tin opener but now there are none to be seen. Eventually locate one in the bathroom.
Ignore the quizzical looks of your partner and smugly claim that you can sort this out without causing any pain at all.
Attempt to suck the splinter out using the syringe following the method you saw on YouTube, whilst trying to reassure child that they will not die from this procedure.
Claim that the syringe method is f**king useless when it becomes apparent that this particular splinter is buried too deep.
Take a big drink of your chosen spirit.
Calmly explain to your child that the splinter will need to be removed with a sharp needle.
Point out to child that there is no need for their current screaming given that the needle is still in the sewing box in the other room.
Retrieve needle. Look for something to sterilise it in. Resort to dipping it into your drink.
Hunt around the house for your child who has gone missing whilst you searched for a needle.
Coax child out of the wardrobe with a packet of Haribo. Promise more Haribo if they allow you to remove the splinter.
Sit your child down in front of their favourite cartoon in an attempt to distract them.
Attempt to unclench your child’s fist to get to the splinter. Marvel at how strong they are and how weak you are in comparison.
Offer more Haribo to persuade your child to unclench their fist.
Offer chocolate, crisps, and bonus cartoon time on top of the Haribo.
Decide to get strict. Inform child that if they don’t unclench their fist you will not be taking them to the class birthday party / soft play centre / park / after school club (delete as appropriate).
Gently poke the splinter area with the needle to start.
Reassure child that once again there was no need to scream and that no one has ever died from having a splinter.
Repeat steps nineteen to twenty-four at least five times, taking large gulps of your chosen drink at various intervals.
Calmly explain to your child that if you are unable to remove the splinter you will need to take them to the doctor to have it removed.
Begin gently prodding with the needle. Ask for your partner to shine a torch for more light. Feel like a surgeon attempting the operation of their lifetime.
Swear loudly as the splinter makes a brief appearance at the surface before retreating under the skin.
Apologise to your child and explain that they should never, ever, use the same type of words, especially in front of their teacher, Miss Judgey-Pants.
Finally, two hours after the discovery of the splinter, declare the removal operation a success. Apply a plaster at your child’s insistence, even though you have had paper cuts that are bigger. Reward child with Haribo, chocolate, crisps, cartoons, and any other bribe that was promised. Reward yourself with more of your chosen drink. Explain to your child that they will be wearing gloves all year round from herein.