The Secret Diary Of A Nine-Month-Old Baby

Ever wondered what your baby’s innermost thoughts might be? We have gained exclusive access to an extract from one nine month old’s diary. It’s a fascinating insight into the world of babies.

4.30am.

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Milk intake: 0 ounces

Nappy condition: Moderately full

I woke up suddenly feeling the urge to practice my new crawling abilities. Bumped into the wall of the prison that my minions refer to as a “cot” and decided I that needed more room to move. I attempted to get the attention of minions with a simple “dada baba” but this did not elicit the required response. I tried shouting “ahhhhh” and heard some mutterings, possibly one of the minion’s “bad words”. I then decided to ramp it up a bit with some crying. Success. The longhaired minion is on her way.

5.30am

Baby Bed

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Milk intake: 0 ounces

Nappy condition: Getting fuller

I am pleased to report that the longhaired minion obeyed my request and took me into the big comfy bed that doesn’t have any barriers or an annoying music box with dancing animals spinning round that I apparently “love”. The longhaired minion seemed a bit annoyed that upon my arrival into the big comfy bed the bearded minion immediately turned over to go back to sleep. I have tried to resist the longhaired minion’s attempts to get me back to sleep have managed an entire 45-minutes so far, mainly by squirming. However, I think I might have to admit defeat as I am feeling sleepy.

6.15am

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Milk intake: 0 ounces

Nappy condition: Leakage imminent

The short-loud minion has just woken me up by shouting very loudly from his bedroom. He insisted on joining us in the big comfy bed and has taken up a significant amount of space. He has been pleading with the longhaired minion for some cartoons but the long-haired minion keeps repeating that it is too early. The bearded minion is still turned over, but I know he is only pretending to sleep.

7.00am

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Milk intake: 5 ounces

Nappy condition: Feeling fresh

The longhaired minion has very little resolve and gave into the short-loud minion’s demands for cartoons after about five minutes. She has finally remembered that her sole purpose in life is to attend to my every need and has changed my nappy and given me some milk. The bearded minion is still pretending to be asleep, whilst the longhaired minion is making passive-aggressive comments about him. For some reason, she does not seem happy this morning with her role as my minion. I have given her some smiles to remind her how cute I am.

8.30am

Baby Eating

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Number of Weetabix consumed: Half

Number of Weetabix thrown: Half

Nappy condition: Something brewing

Once again I was presented with Weetabix for my breakfast. The longhaired minion seems to be under the impression that I need it to help my bowels stay regular but the truth is that I just like to keep her on her toes and making her worry about my bowel habits is one way of doing that. Unfortunately, this has backfired a little bit as I’m now presented with this cardboard mush each morning whilst the short-loud minion gets banana pancakes. I don’t like banana, but I dislike inequality more. The bearded minion has got ready to go to somewhere called “work”. He did not seem happy when I threw my Weetabix onto his clean smart trousers. I thought it would be a nice reminder of me when he was at work but he insisted on changing them.

9.15am

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Nap Minutes: 0

Nappy condition: Feeling Fresh

We have just returned after taking the short-loud minion to somewhere called “nursery school”. From what I understand this is somewhere that the longhaired minion takes him so that she can devote all of her time to attending my superior needs. My only concern is that she might want to take me there one day, as well. I have already started sowing the seeds to make her understand that this is not an option by screaming like a banshee every time she puts me in the pushchair. I have also managed to time my poop perfectly each morning for 8.45am, meaning that she has to rush around trying to change me before we leave. It’s good to keep minions on their toes so they don’t get any ideas about “childcare”.

10.45am

Ball Pool

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Nap Minutes: 17

Milk intake: 0 ounces

Nappy condition: Moderately Damp

I have just woken up from a short nap. The longhaired minion did not seem pleased to see me awake. I think she was hoping that I would sleep for longer so that she could finish her coffee. I can’t have her thinking that her needs trump mine so I plan on spending the next hour shrieking every time she puts me down. She has tried to distract me by placing me in a prison that she calls a “ball pool” but I have mastered the ability to get out of that. She will have to accept that her coffee will be cold.

11.45am

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Milk intake: 6 ounces

Nappy condition: Something Brewing

The longhaired minion seemed to get a bit disheartened with my shrieking and so I decided to change tactics and give her some of my amazingly cute smiles instead. This keeps her happy and more inclined to attend to my every whim. My tummy is feeling full after some milk. Unfortunately, we are about to leave to pick up the short-loud minion, which means I will have to spend the rest of the day competing with him for attention. I keep hoping that they will forget to pick him up one day, but, so far, no luck.

1.30pm

Baby Playing

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Lunch eaten: 1/4 dairylea sandwich, 1/4 avocado, 1 small fromage frais

Lunch thrown: 1/4 dairylea sandwich, 1/4 avocado

Nappy condition: Very stinky

The short-loud minion has returned and is his usual loud self. During lunch, I felt it was important not to let him get the majority of attention, so I threw as much food as possible. Unfortunately, he seemed to think this was funny and decided to throw some of his own food. The longhaired minion did not seem impressed and reminded him that he “should know better”, once again taking attention away from me. I upped my game by pooping, but just as the longhaired minion was about to change my nappy the short-loud minion declared that he also needed to poop. It seems that because he doesn’t have a nappy, he takes priority. I am not impressed and am planning to find something I shouldn’t play with whilst she is sorting him out.

1.45pm

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Nappy condition: Feeling Fresh

Finally, the longhaired minion has changed my nappy. Apparently we are going to spend the afternoon at an adventure play area with my friend Thea and her two minions. I like Thea, she is only six weeks older than me and has already mastered walking, which causes her minions no end of problems. I like her style – although I do resent how much the longhaired minion coos over her.

4.00pm

Baby Pushchair

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Nap Minutes: 110!

Nappy condition: Quite Damp

Arrgh! I did not intend to sleep for this long. The short-loud minion has had the entire afternoon to charm the longhaired minion without me to remind her who is her favourite. No doubt Thea has been getting lots of attention, as well. I plan to make up for this later by refusing to go to sleep at bedtime. In the meantime, I better put on my best “I’m hungry” cry so I can get some milk.

4.30pm

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Milk intake: 6 ounces

Nappy condition: Something brewing

We are on our way home in the car. The short-loud minion keeps asking the longhaired minion questions about how roads are made. He follows up every answer with a “Why?” I am fairly certain the longhaired minion is just making up answers to appease him. I’m torn between watching her become increasingly desperate to come up with an answer and wanting to make sure she hasn’t forgotten that I’m here. I might do one of those ear-piercing shrieks in a minute just to remind her.

5.30pm

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Dinner: Spag Bol, followed by Rice Pudding

Nappy condition: Something brewing

The bearded minion has returned at last and we are having dinner. The longhaired minion has just called me a little piggy because I ate all of my dinner and pudding. I think that’s a bit rich given how many biscuits I have seen her stuff into her face when she thinks we are not looking. The short-loud minion has managed to smear his spaghetti bolognaise all over himself and the floor. I don’t think it’s fair that I am not allowed to feed myself spaghetti bolognaise. If he can throw his on the floor, why can’t I?

6.30pm

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Nappy condition: Freedom!

It’s bath time. Once again I am forced to share with the short-loud minion. He gets to splash about whilst I have to sit in this stupid bath chair that stops me from grabbing anything remotely interesting. He only passes me the boring toys that he doesn’t want to play with. It’s ok. I get my revenge by weeing in the bath a little every night.

7.00pm

Baby Cot

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Milk intake: 3 ounces

Nappy condition: Feeling Fresh

Apparently it’s the bearded minion’s turn to put me to bed and the longhaired minion’s turn to put the short-loud minion to bed. I know that deep down the longhaired minion is distraught at the prospect of not spending more time with me, and is putting on a brave face for the sake of the short-loud minion. I am, after all, the favourite child. Strangely, the longhaired minion hasn’t mentioned anything about my two-hour nap to the bearded minion.

7.15pm

Update – I have just heard the longhaired minion come out of the short-haired minion’s bedroom and start running a bath. I think she is planning some relaxation time. Unfortunately, I am stuck here with the bearded minion and can’t do anything about it.

7.30pm

Update – I am still awake. The bearded minion seems confused.

7.45pm

Update – I am still awake. The bearded minion keeps trying to look at his phone but I keep grabbing it.

8.00pm

Update – I am still awake. Playing a game of “let’s fool the minion” by pretending to fall asleep and then quickly opening my eyes every time he tries to move.

4.30am

Weight: 18lbs 9 oz

Milk intake: 0 ounces

Nappy condition: Quite Full

Have just woken up to find myself alone in my cot again. I’m actually very tired, but, as ever, I need to keep my minions in check, so it’s time to start the “come and get me” cry again.