Four year olds are strange creatures. They usually have a good level of speech, but this can often hide their lack of understanding in some areas. At least, that’s what I tell myself when I discover that once again, my four year old has completely misinterpreted what I told him.
I’m not a neuroscientist, but having discussed this matter with several parents of similarly aged children, I have come to the conclusion that the average four year old has a fundamental translation problem. This is why, when I tell my four year old son something, he often hears the exact opposite, usually with awkward or troublesome consequences.
1. Morning
What I Say To My Son:
”Please can you put your clothes on so we can get ready to go out.”
What My Son Hears:
”Please can you put your pants on your head and dance around your room, before having a tantrum over not wanting to go out and do fun things.”
2. Walking
What I Say To My Son:
”Don’t step into that dog poo in the middle of the path.”
What My Son Hears:
”I’m not sure that is dog poo, so it would be a good idea if you stood in it to check. Really give it a good stomp so it gets in all the grooves of your new shoes, just to be sure.”
3. Siblings
What I Say To My Son:
”Your sister needs a nap so let’s give her some quiet time.”
What My Son Hears:
”I don’t think your sister is tired enough for a nap, so if you could spin her round and round in circles whilst shouting “roundabout” over and over I am sure that will help.”
4. Shopping
What I Say To My Son:
”Please can you walk with me in the supermarket so you don’t get lost.”
What My Son Hears:
”Grocery shopping is quite stressful. I’m sure all of the other customers in here will love it if you run between them, shouting ‘Tag! You’re It’ before lying down in the middle of the frozen food aisle claiming to be speed bump.”
5. New Shoes
What I Say To My Son:
”You have your new shoes on, so if you want to paddle in the lake, I have your wellies for you to change into.”
What My Son Hears:
”Go run into the lake up to your knees with your brand new leather shoes on. It will help wear them in. Then feel free to shout at me because you have wet shoes and socks.”
6. Play Dates
What I Say To My Son:
”Yes I know Jack has got his willy out to show everyone but you shouldn’t do the same. It’s private and only you should see it.”
What My Son Hears:
”Everyone in this soft play centre wants to see your willy and bottom, so you should totally take off all your clothes to show them all. It would help if you shouted loudly ‘look at my willy’ to draw further attention to yourself.”
7. Toys
What I Say To My Son:
”Before you get your Lego out please can you tidy up your train track so that there is space on the floor and the entire living room isn’t covered in toys.”
What My Son Hears:
”I don’t like the colour of this carpet so I’d really appreciate it if you could coat the entire floor with toys so I don’t have to look at it.”
8. Dinner Time
What I Say To My Son:
”Dinner will be ready in five minutes. Please can you go to the toilet and wash your hands.”
What My Son Hears:
”Please go into the bathroom and run the sink tap on full blast so you spray water everywhere for a good five minutes. Once you have created enough of a flood in the bathroom, return to the table without your pants and trousers.”
9. Bath Time
What I Say To My Son:
”Please don’t splash your sister. She’s much small than you and she doesn’t like it.”
What My Son Hears:
”Please try and drown your sister by splashing in her face furiously for 30 seconds.”
10. Bed Time
What I Say To My Son:
”It’s time to go to sleep now. Lie down, close your eyes, and be quiet.”
What My Son Hears:
”Now is a really good time to ask me any questions you might have concerning religion, astro-physics, and where babies come from.”
