Secret Diary of a Nearly Two-Year Old

Here at Mumblog we have gained exclusive access to the diary of an almost two-year old. It’s a fascinating insight into a young, inquiring mind.

Early Morning

Baby climbing out of cot


Woke up feeling cold having kicked off all my blanket. Tried to climb out of bed but got myself into a bit of a predicament. Mummy came and got me and took me into her bed. Took me about an hour to find that perfect comfy spot. In the end, I realised that the only way I could fall asleep was by using Mummy’s belly as a pillow and Daddy’s ribs as a foot rest. 10/10 for comfort. Highly recommended.


What the fudge? Woke up back in my own bed. Not happy. Decided to take matters in my own hands and got out of bed. Tried to find Mummy and Daddy’s bed, but I got a bit lost and took the second door instead of the first door. Ended up in the Brother’s room. Prodded him a bit until he growled at me. Found one of his Lego cars that I’m not allowed to play with. Accidently broke it by hitting it repeatedly on the floor.


Got removed from the Brother’s room after he started shouting. Now in Mummy and Daddy’s room. I have said the word “Bing” about 50 times but for some reason they’re not switching their TV on and keep trying to get me to lie down. I think they think it’s still night time, bless them.


Finally got Mummy to put Bing on the TV after I ran into my room, grabbed a book, and hit her over the head with it. Mummy has sat up in the bed but Daddy still seems to think it’s morning so I’m trying to wake him up by shouting and prodding at him every time Bing does anything. Starting to feel a bit peckish.


Asked Mummy for snacks. She told me I could have breakfast in a little bit. Asked again. Asked again. Asked again. Stood at the top of the stairs and started pulling on the stairgate saying “snacks” over and over again. She finally got the message and is taking me downstairs.


I’m really quite upset. I’m not sure I want to talk about it right now. Mummy tried to give me breakfast. I didn’t want breakfast, I wanted to play.


Eventually agreed to have some breakfast. The Brother joined us. Uck. Mummy is now helping him get ready for school so I’m making sure the house is set up for the day by pulling out all the toys in the living room whilst Daddy watches.


Daddy has gone to work. Mummy didn’t seem too happy with him for some reason.

Late Morning

Toddler with toys


Mummy is looking for my shoes. I have put them in my Peppa Pig pram underneath three dolls, a handful of Duplo, and the dog that Mummy says is a doorstop but is clearly another one of my toys. I can’t remember why I put my shoes there, but I think it’s probably important that they stay there.


We are running to school. I have my wellies on which makes running difficult. Mummy did try to put me in the pushchair but I successfully managed to avoid bending in the middle so she couldn’t sit me down.


We have just got home from school. I tried to go in with the Brother but I wasn’t allowed. Didn’t think that was fair so I laid down in the playground and cried a bit. Mummy carried me out. She is now eating some cereal so I think it’s only fair that I get a snack. She has given me a banana, which I suppose will do for now.


I have emptied out the jigsaw box, the Duplo box, the toy car box, the bookshelves that I can reach and all the cupboards in my play kitchen whilst Mummy washes up the breakfast bowls. I can’t stand it when I’m not completely surrounded by toys. Mummy has said that we are going to toddler group. I love toddler group. I’m not telling her where my shoes are though.


At toddler group. There is a new boy here. He doesn’t seem to understand that all the toys in the toddler group are mine and that I let the other children borrow them. He keeps trying to play with all my favourite toys. Mummy says I have to share. I hate sharing. I laid down on the floor for a bit to show how upset I was but Mummy just ignored me. I was going to start shouting and screaming but someone shouted “snack time” so I’ll hold off on that for now.


Had a great time at toddlers. Ate loads of snacks, ran around in circles, and shrieked a lot. Good times. Going to a café now for lunch with Ella from toddlers and her Mum. I like Ella. She has red wellies, which are really cool. Not as cool as my pink sparkly Minnie Mouse sandals though, which I am currently wearing even though it’s winter because Mummy never found my shoes.


Toddler at park


Best. Lunch. Ever. Had baked beans on toast and ice cream. Much better than Mummy’s boring cheese sandwiches and carrots with hummus. Mummy just had soup and told Ella’s Mummy that it was because she was on a diet but I don’t think that can be true because I caught Mummy eating a chocolate biscuit in the kitchen this morning before toddlers and yesterday she had a massive slice of cake when she thought I was napping on the sofa. Mummy seems to be taking the long way home and keeps looking at me in the car mirror for some reason. I’m starting to feel a bit sleepy, might just close my eyes for a few seconds.


Woke up on the sofa. Saw Mummy put something that looked suspiciously like a half a biscuit in her mouth just as I started to move. All the toys have been put away so now I need to empty everything out again. A toddler’s work is never done.


Emptied out all the toys I could. Mummy tried to distract me by encouraging me to actually play with some of the toys but I wasn’t falling for that trick. Filled up my nappy but she didn’t notice until it was time to get my shoes (which she has somehow found) on so we could go and get the Brother from school. She seems to be rushing my nappy change at the moment. Don’t know why we need to hurry, I’m sure the Brother could just stay at school.


The Brother was upset that Mummy was late picking him up, so we have come to the park to cheer him up. There are lots of other children here, clearly unaware that the small slide with the ladder and bridge is mine. I am going to have to educate them all by shouting loudly every time one of them comes near.


Had to leave the park early because the Brother and I found a big puddle and we thought it would be really fun if we both lay down in it and rolled around a bit. Mummy didn’t think it was funny and marched us home to get changed. Mummy has left us both watching Bing whilst she cooks dinner. Think I might empty out the Duplo and puzzle boxes out all over the floor again.


The Brother threw a tantrum because for a third day in a row dinner is not pizza. Thought I should show him a bit of solidarity so I lay down on the floor and started crying as well. I don’t even like pizza that much but I might need his support one day. Mummy is muttering something about not knowing why she bothers. Think I can hear Daddy coming through the door.


Toddler climbing in bed


Made sure I could have a bath by smearing half my dinner in my hair. I love bath time. The Brother joined me and we played a game that involved tipping water out of the bath whenever Mummy wasn’t looking. The Brother thought it would be funny to drink the bath water and I tried to tell him that I had done a little wee in it by saying “wee wee bath” but Mummy thought that I meant I was about to do one and pulled me out. Oh, well, the Brother seemed to think the bath water still tasted nice.


Bedtime. Mummy got my stripy pyjamas out but I wanted my cat pyjamas so I screamed for about five-minutes until she found them in the laundry basket. Daddy said that Mummy needs to be more organised with the laundry and now Mummy doesn’t seem too happy with Daddy for some reason. She said that he can put me to bed and she will sort out the Brother.


Daddy has read me three stories and now it’s time to go to sleep but I’m not tired because I had a long nap earlier. I think Mummy might have forgotten to tell Daddy this. I’m trying to get him to sing Old McDonald with me but he keeps telling me to lie down.


Gave up singing as I decided that I would practice my gymnastics in bed instead. Daddy has given up trying to get me to sleep and is letting me climb everywhere. I think he might be hiding from Mummy because she’s not too happy with him.


Still awake. Getting tired now though. Might just rest my eyes a minute.


It must be time to get up now? I think I’ll try and wake everyone up by shouting really loud.