When your baby first pushed himself up onto his hands and knees and started to crawl, you rejoiced, elated that that he had met that important milestone. What you didn’t realise was that this was the start of a fraught couple of years that will have you panicking every time you turned your back on your child. If your baby climbed before he could even walk, then you can probably relate to following things that only a parent of a climber would understand.
1. Your Dining Chairs Are Stacked On The Table
And they only come down for mealtimes. It’s the only way to stop your little mountain goat from standing on top of the table where she can raid the fruit bowl.
2. You Spent A Fortune On A Bespoke Wooden Cot, But Your Child Sleeps On A Mattress On The Floor.
She first climbed out at 3.21am when she was nine months old. You figured that this was the safest option.
3. You Laughed At Your Colleague’s Disdain For The Parents Of The Double Stairgate Climber.
Your climber-child free colleague was appalled that the parents of this viral YouTube star stood back to film their little Houdini instead of being on hand to catch him. You, however, know that this was probably the 200th time it had happened and you secretly make note to never let your colleague see your own video collection of your child’s tricks.
4. There Is No Such Thing As A Secret Stash Of Snacks
Because your daredevil has mastered the art of using a upside down saucepan on top of the kitchen worktop to reach the very highest shelf space. On the plus side, you have lost a lot of weight.
5. You Are On First Name Terms With The Receptionist At Your Local A&E
And, you’re not sure how much longer it will be until they report you to children’s services.
6. You Have Adopted The Minimalist Look For Your Home
Bookshelves are just bulky ladders, tables are spectacular summits, and desks are glorious uplands with treasure troves of gadgets and important documents to explore. So, you got rid of everything and your living room now consists of one sofa, a wall mounted television and a plethora of toys.
7. You Know The Location Of Every Softplay Centre & Park With Climbing Frame Within A 20-Mile Radius
Because you need to have an outlet for your child’s mountaineering obsession. You try and ignore the judgey looks from the other parents as your barely one-year-old makes it to the top of a 10ft high climbing structure, unaided.
8. Your House Is An Unbearable Sauna In The Summer
Because you know that if you open any window your child will try and climb out of it.
9. Your Toddler Has a Perma-Bruise On His Forehead.
It’s been there so long you start to wonder if it’s actually a Mongolian Blue Spot instead.