Need to get out of the house on time to do the school run with a school aged child and a toddler in tow? Just follow this quick and easy plan!
Get rudely woken by the toddler climbing into your bed and then repeatedly elbowing you in the face.
Briefly consider getting up for the day so that you have more time to get your shit together, but decide that more time lying under the bed covers is more important to you right now.
Glare pointedly at still sleeping partner who is apparently immune to toddler noise.
Throw an electronic device in the direction of the toddler and hope that’s enough to keep them entertained.
Go back to dozing and dreaming about a trip to Rome with no small people around.
Get disturbed from dozing / dreaming by the eldest child who demands to watch Power Rangers on the TV.
Remind eldest child that he was banned from watching Power Rangers two years ago after he kept trying to karate chop everyone.
Argue with eldest for ten-minutes before agreeing to an episode of Pokémon on the basis that he must get dressed as soon as that’s finished.
Go back to dozing.
Wake up to the notification sound on your phone from a message on the class WhatsApp group from “Super Smug Mum” about the cake sale today. Try to remember what the cake was for and whether you needed to do anything for it.
Remember that you were supposed to provide half a dozen cakes to raise money for the school today.
Panic slightly, then resolve to leaving slightly earlier so you can pick some up in the shop on the way in.
Prod partner to go for a shower and head downstairs to fetch eldest child to get ready.
Explain to eldest child that he needs to get dressed for school and it’s time to stop watching Pokémon.
Explain to eldest child that whilst you appreciate that he has just started watching a new episode and that you recognise that it is very frustrating to have to turn it off when it has just started, you did tell him that he could only watch one episode to begin with.
Feel smug about implementing parenting technique read about in parenting book where you acknowledge your child’s feelings during a potentially tense situation.
Feel slightly less smug when it becomes apparent that the eldest child is ignoring you.
Tell eldest child that you are asking him nicely one last time to go back upstairs and get dressed.
Breathe deeply, reminding yourself that it is not healthy to start the day with a battle.
Plead with child to go upstairs.
Resort to using the countdown. 5, 4, 3, 2…You still don’t know what happens when you get to 1 after six years of use, but it is still effective at getting the result you need.
Remind self to take the parenting book to the charity shop later.
Make a cup of tea and leave to cool down slightly on the side whilst you have a shower.
Head upstairs and jump into the shower.
After approximately 30 seconds in the shower, jump out to let the toddler into the bathroom because they need a wee.
Jump back in the shower and try not to feel jealous of those in houses with more than one bathroom.
Briefly consider making an effort to look vaguely stylish on the school run before opting for the jeans and sweatshirt combination, preferably one without the toddler’s dinner on it.
Start to help toddler get dressed. Explain to toddler that they cannot wear their Halloween Cat costume on the school run because you have no idea where it is, and besides, it’s June and nowhere near Halloween.
Comfort toddler as they start to wail.
Get increasingly frustrated with toddler when they go completely rigid and refuse to wear anything that is not a Halloween cat costume.
Try to find Halloween costume. Fail to do so, but you do manage to find a Paw Patrol costume that you offer up as an alternative.
Breathe a sigh of relief that the Paw Patrol costume is considered acceptable.
Wave a vague goodbye to partner as they head off to work and try not to feel resentful that they don’t have to deal with any of the morning battles.
Go into eldest’s room to get him to come downstairs for breakfast.
Find eldest sat on the floor of his room completely naked, playing with a heap of Lego.
Ask eldest to put his school uniform on.
Tell eldest that whilst you understand he wants to finish making a giant shark out of Lego, this is not the time to do so and he needs to get dressed RIGHT NOW.
Leave eldest putting his pants on, reassured that he will be ready soon.
Take youngest downstairs to start making breakfast.
Offer toddler toast, cereal, fruit, or yogurt for breakfast.
Explain to toddler that biscuits are not a breakfast food.
Give toddler a bowl of cereal as per their request.
Try not to lose your temper when the toddler reveals that even though they said cereal, they actually meant toast.
Put a slice of toast in the toaster and eat toddler’s cereal.
Try not to lose your temper when the toddler complains that you are eating their cereal.
Give toddler toast and drink.
Whilst they are eating, remember that you haven’t checked your eldest’s bookbag for a couple of days.
Find a maths homework sheet in the bookbag that is due in today. Reassure self that there is still plenty of time, as eldest will be dressed by now.
Call up the stairs for the eldest to come down for breakfast. Receive no reply.
Shout up the stairs, being grateful that your neighbour is an elderly deaf lady. Receive no reply.
Head upstairs. Find eldest child sat on the floor playing Lego, this time with his pants on his head. Feel your anger levels begin to rise.
Tell eldest he needs to get dressed RIGHT NOW or there will be consequences.
Try not to get too angry when eldest moves towards his clothes with the pace of an elderly snail.
Glare at eldest as he takes around three-minutes to put on one sock.
Decide you really don’t have time for this crap and start dressing eldest yourself, wondering if any other six year olds still have their parents get them dressed.
Explain to eldest that he cannot carry on playing Lego because he has homework to do and breakfast to eat.
Explain to eldest again that his Lego creation can wait until after school.
Explain to eldest that he is really testing your patience now and he needs to get downstairs in the next ten seconds.
Begin countdown. 5, 4, 3…Be grateful once again that it works and you still don’t have to think of a consequence for getting to zero.
Give eldest his breakfast and ask him to eat quickly so he can get his homework done.
Go to find toddler.
Discover toddler has managed to tip out every single toy in the living room, including all the puzzle pieces that are now mixed up.
Back out of the living room slowly since you really can’t deal with that right now.
Return to the kitchen to discover that the eldest has eaten one bite of his toast. Briefly wonder if the eldest operates in different space / time continuum where time passes considerably slower.
Sit next to eldest and post chunks of toast into his mouth every few minutes whilst he drills you on where the first oak tree came from. Feel grateful that you paid some attention in biology.
Give eldest his homework sheet to do and explain he has ten minutes to complete it as you need to leave soon.
Go to check on toddler. Toddler has now pulled all the books off the bookshelf and has started to make a den out of sofa cushions. Check how many weeks it is until toddler starts nursery and sigh when you realise there are still three months to go.
Return to kitchen where eldest is doing his homework. Squeal with delight when you discover he has actually completed it all. You will be on time today, possibly even early!
Ask eldest to put on his shoes whilst you pack his school bag with his books and water bottle.
Suddenly remember the cup of tea that you made earlier. Drink it, feeling resentful that once again your breakfast comprises of a lukewarm drink.
Go to living room to find toddler to put on her shoes. Discover toddler is missing.
Hunt for toddler. You are pretty sure the front doors are locked so there is no need to panic just yet.
Discover toddler in the bathroom, attempting to fill up one of her doll bottles. In the process she has overflowed the sink and there is water everywhere, including all over her clothes.
Realise that there is no chance that you will be early for school today, but you might be on time if you are quick. Mop up bathroom and remove the wet Paw Patrol costume from the toddler.
Put clothes on thrashing toddler who is having a full-on meltdown over the Paw Patrol costume. Decide that today will be the 326th day in a row where you will break your diet with a binge on chocolate.
Carry shrieking toddler downstairs.
Find eldest in sofa fort with no shoes on.
Tell eldest to put his shoes on.
Put shoes on toddler.
Shout at eldest to put his shoes on.
Put shoes back on toddler.
Yell at eldest that he needs to put on his shoes RIGHT NOW OR MUMMY MIGHT GET REALLY REALLY REALLY CROSS.
Put own shoes on. Announce to shrieking toddler and slow moving eldest that you are leaving the house right now, with or without them.
Finally leave the house at 8.33am and head to school.
Return to house two minutes later to pick up the homework sheet.
Arrive at school at 8.50am. Swear loudly when you realise you forgot to pick up the f*ing cakes. Try to avoid eye contact with Super Smug Mum as she parades her twenty-four homemade cupcakes that have been individually iced with a perfect replica of the school logo.